The Mauro 10-Point Comfort Scale for Oscar Dresses

Over my years as a parent—and maybe particularly as the parent of kids with special needs, one of whom I regularly had to get down on the floor with as he was growing up, even at parties, even at church—I've come to value comfort and practicality in outfits over fanciness and sleekness and cleavage and slits and highness of heel. And while I appreciate that your average starlet can't exactly wear sweats to the Oscars (I'd be among those dinging her if she did), I still look at some of those super-fancy dresses and wince at how uncomfortable and potentially disastrous they will be over the hours that these women will be sitting there waiting to win, lose, or present.

In the interest, then, of rewarding those who do manage to be both comfortable and stunning, and to penalize those who have sacrificed their own comfort for a bit of red-carpet flash, I am submitting my official version of the Mauro 10-Point Comfort Scale, on which I will be rating dresses at the Oscar shebang. Join me, won't you? And add your own suggestions and specifications in the comments.

The Mauro 10-Point Comfort Scale

by Terri Mauro

Award one point for each yes answer to these questions:

1. Cleavage: Can she sneeze or slouch without risking a wardrobe malfunction?
2. Slit: Can she cross her legs without flashing a worldwide audience?
3. Hemline: Can she cross her legs at all?
4. Tightness: Can she sit for three hours without passing out or sustaining serious bruising to the midsection?
5. Frills: Will she have direct back-and-ass seat contact without having to sit on a peplum, huge bow, or scratchy petticoat?
6. Simplicity: Is it conceivable that she could use the restroom without having assistants along to undress and dress her?
7. Bareness: Is her back covered enough to avoid pattern rash from a fabric-covered auditorium seat, or sweat from a leather- or plastic-covered one?
8. Shoes: Can she walk to the stage to accept an award without risking a heel caught in a skirt or a twisted ankle?
9. Train: Can she move freely without worrying about somebody constantly straightening out the back of her skirt (or what’s getting caught up in it)?
10. Accessories: Do the earrings and hairstyle look like they could be worn for hours without giving her a headache?

Then subtract one point for each yes answer to these questions:

1. Does this look like a particularly nice mother-of-the-bride dress?
2. If that color looked that way on you, would your mother have told you not to wear it?
3. Does it look like something she just had hanging out in her closet? Or you might have in yours?
4. Is there a regrettable accessory? (See especially: belt)
5. Is it just, somehow, not appropriate to the occasion? (Can range from a too-short skirt to, say, a swan costume.)