In the interest, then, of rewarding those who do manage to be both comfortable and stunning, and to penalize those who have sacrificed their own comfort for a bit of red-carpet flash, I am submitting my official version of the Mauro 10-Point Comfort Scale, on which I will be rating dresses at the Oscar shebang. Join me, won't you? And add your own suggestions and specifications in the comments.
The Mauro 10-Point Comfort Scale
by Terri Mauro
Award one point for each yes answer to these questions:
- Cleavage: Can she sneeze or slouch without risking a wardrobe malfunction?
- Slit: Can she cross her legs without flashing a worldwide audience?
- Hemline: Can she cross her legs at all?
- Tightness: Can she sit for three hours without passing out or sustaining serious bruising to the midsection?
- Frills: Will she have direct back-and-ass seat contact without having to sit on a peplum, huge bow, or scratchy petticoat?
- Simplicity: Is it conceivable that she could use the restroom without having assistants along to undress and dress her?
- Bareness: Is her back covered enough to avoid pattern rash from a fabric-covered auditorium seat, or sweat from a leather- or plastic-covered one?
- Shoes: Can she walk to the stage to accept an award without risking a heel caught in a skirt or a twisted ankle?
- Train: Can she move freely without worrying about somebody constantly straightening out the back of her skirt (or what’s getting caught up in it)?
- Accessories: Do the earrings and hairstyle look like they could be worn for hours without giving her a headache?
- Does this look like a particularly nice mother-of-the-bride dress?
- If that color looked that way on you, would your mother have told you not to wear it?
- Does it look like something she just had hanging out in her closet? Or you might have in yours?
- Is there a regrettable accessory? (See especially: belt)
- Is it just, somehow, not appropriate to the occasion? (Can range from a too-short skirt to, say, a swan costume.)